Fighting Blind Read online

  “Why now?” Her voice is raspy, like she’s about to break, and I get the gut-wrenching feeling that it’s because of me. She looks up at me, blinking away tears. “What’s changed in the past three years?”

  Is she fucking kidding? How could she not know how long I’ve wanted her?

  I don’t let her go when she tries to pull away. Sure, there’ve been other women. But it was just sex. Nothing more.

  “Nothing’s changed. I’ve always wanted you.”

  She sighs deeply and closes her eyes. “I’m not just one of your girls, Theo.”

  “I never asked you to be,” I bite out a little too roughly, making her flinch. But it pisses me off that she would even think that.

  “That’s good to know.” Her expression turns bitter, eyes go cold.

  I drop my hands and lean back against the wall, arms crossed. “Jesus, Mac. I can’t fucking read you.”

  “Good thing you don’t have to. I’ll be gone soon.” She turns on her heels.

  Anger and frustration boil up in me until I’m ready to blow. I slam my fist against the wall, feeling something snap in my hand as it goes through the drywall.

  “Shit.” I pull it back, knowing I may have just fucked up my next fight. But right now I don’t care.

  Mac’s eyes are wide, looking from me to the hole in the wall, then back at me. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”

  “Why, because I fucking care about you?”

  “If you cared about me you would have…” She shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes.

  “I would’ve what?” Holding my injured hand, I stalk towards her. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  “You really don’t remember, do you?”

  “Remember what?”

  She laughs bitterly. “The last night I was here. Before I left.”

  Her nostrils flare, eyes daring me to remember whatever thing I’ve done to hurt her.

  I wrack my brain, trying to think of anything I could have done to make her this angry, and come up short. I’d been drinking a lot that week. More than normal. But I’d been struggling with how to tell her how I felt. Worried that I’d lose her if I did.

  What a fucking joke. I’d lost her anyways.

  I rake my good hand through my hair and take a deep steadying breath. “I’m sorry if I did something to hurt you. But I can’t fix it if I don’t know what I did.”

  “You want to know the truth?”

  The way she says it makes me question if I do, but I nod.

  “You came to Charlie’s after you got approved for the mortgage on the gym. Do you remember?”

  “Yeah.” I swallow past the lump in my throat, knowing I’m not going to like the rest of what she’s about to tell me.

  “You’d been drinking. I didn’t realize how much until we were back at your place.”

  Ice prickles the back of my neck and I can feel the blood rush from my face. “What happened?”

  She studies me for a long moment, until I feel like I’m going to break under her gaze.

  “What happened?” I say again, this time more forcefully.

  She blinks, then shakes her head. “We kissed. Then I left.”

  “Shit.”

  “I came back a few hours later.” Her face is red, eyes brimming with tears. “But you weren’t alone. I think her name was Trinity or Taylor.” She shrugs, her lip curling up in a scowl, her voice mocking. “She said she’d let you know I stopped by. I guess she forgot.”

  Memories of the morning after flashed in my head. Hungover, and feeling like shit, I hadn’t gotten out of bed until well past noon. The two guys I’d been with the night before had crashed in my living room, but if there’d been chicks with them I hadn’t known.

  What a fucking mess.

  “Mac, I’m sorry–”

  She puts her hands up when I take a step towards her. “You don’t owe me an apology.”

  The door to her apartment opens and my mom pokes her head out. I see her take in the entire scene, my swollen hand, the hole in the wall, Mac’s red eyes. She frowns at me.

  “Everything all right?”

  No. Not even, close.

  My mom’s gaze rests on Mac, brows raised. Mac responds with a small shake of her head.

  A long silence follows.

  She thought I’d kissed her, then turned around and fucked another chick the same night. Did she really think that little of me? That I’d actually hurt her like that?

  “I’m going to go now,” my mom says, breaking the tension. “Logan’s watching a movie. She’s fed and bathed.”

  Mac nods. “Thank you.”

  I expect some motherly concern when she walks over and inspects my hand, but instead I get a disproving look, and light tap on the face. “You better get some ice on that.”

  I grunt in return.

  My mom pauses at the top of the stairs and looks at Mac. “Do you mind if I come back tomorrow?”

  Something passes between them, and Mac finally gives a small nod.

  When my mom is gone, Mac starts towards her apartment.

  “We’re not finished.” I place my palm on the door to stop it from shutting in my face. My hand is throbbing, but I can make a fist, so I know it’s not broken.

  “I don’t want to fight with you. Whatever you think is between us…it won’t work.” Her voice cracks on the last word, and her shoulders slump.

  “How do you know if you don’t give me a chance?”

  She looks over her shoulder at Logan, who’s sitting crossed leg on the couch, eyes half lidded, watching a cartoon.

  I can almost feel the tension and anxiety radiating off Mac. Like she’s got no idea what she’s going to do next.

  A thought comes to me, and my stomach turns.

  “This is your home. Even if you don’t want anything between us, I’ll never ask you to leave. You and Logan are safe. I promise..”

  She looks at me there’s a deep sadness in her eyes.

  I freeze when she places her hand on my chest and leans up, brushing her lips against my cheek. When she starts to pull back, I cup her chin and make her look at me.

  “But I also promise not to stop fighting for you. Understand?”

  Her breath hitches in her throat and her eyes widen slightly.

  I raise my eyebrows when she doesn’t answer.

  “Yes.” Her voice comes out in a whisper so faint I barely hear it.

  “Good.” I kiss her hard, then turn abruptly, leaving her staring after me.

  She still doesn’t know it yet, but she’s mine.

  She can fight me all she wants.

  But I will win.

  Chapter 12

  Mackenzie

  Clair has come over every day for the past week. I don’t mind and I understand her interest in Logan. But the closer they get, the harder it’s going to be on both of them when we leave.

  “I was going to take Logan to the Children’s Museum today. If that’s okay with you,” Clair says, picking Logan up when she runs at her, arms outstretched.

  “Sure. She’d like that.”

  “You can come with us if you’d like.”

  “I have a few things I need to do.” Like going to my mom’s, and finding out what she knows about Stefano.

  The last time I went over, she’d been too drunk to put a coherent sentence together. I glance at the clock on the wall. It’s still early enough that I may be able to catch her before she hits her second buzz.

  Clair puts Logan down and tells her to put her shoes on, then reaches into her purse and hands me a manila envelope.

  “What’s this?” I frown down at it.

  “It’s all the information you need to apply for nursing school as a mature student.”

  I look up at her and frown. “I can’t.”

  “I know it’s too late to apply for this year, but it gives you enough time to get everything you need for next September.”

  “Clair–”

  She continues to ramble
on, ignoring my protest. “I know it’s none of my business, but I remember how much you always wanted to be a nurse. And I can help with Logan if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  How am I supposed to go to college when I don’t even know where I’ll be living six months from now?

  Tears sting my eyes. The fact that she cares this much about me makes my chest tighten.

  I shake my head and give her a hug. “Thank you.”

  Her eyes are watery when she pulls back, gripping my shoulder. “I know you’re scared. And I’ve kept my promise not to tell Theo, but–”

  “Clair, don’t.” I pull back, and place the envelope on the table.

  “You have to tell him.”

  “I will. Just…let me wait until after his fight. He’s already got too much to worry about, he doesn’t need this too.” It also gives me enough time to get some money together.

  With September 23rd approaching, I need to figure out what I’m going to do. It’s been months since I’ve received one of Stefano’s letters, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know where I am.

  Clair sighs and gives me a disapproving look, but unlike Theo, she’s not one to push things.

  When she’s gone, I grab my gray hoodie and head down the backstairs.

  “Hey.” Theo’s voice stops me as I push through the door. “Where’re you going?”

  He comes down the stairs two at a time.

  “I thought you were training?”

  “I was going to go for a run, but if you’re going somewhere I can drive you.”

  “It’s okay. I can take the bus.”

  He frowns.

  “I’m going to see my mom,” I say, hoping that explains my attitude.

  “Oh.” He runs his hand through his hair. “I’ll take you.”

  “Okay.”

  His face brightens.

  It’s actually a relief having him with me.

  Being around my mom is never easy, and even though I make him wait for me in the car, just the fact that he’s nearby eases some of my anxiety.

  My mom’s twenty-year-old Honda is parked in the driveway, and I can hear the television screaming some obnoxious jingle, but no one answers when I knock on her door.

  I knock again, then try the door. When it creaks opens, I yell in, “Mom?”

  Nothing.

  A white cat hisses at me from across the room.

  I kick an empty forty-ouncer that lays in the middle of the entrance. The place smells of stale beer, cigarettes and cat piss. My stomach churns. It was a bad idea coming here.

  “Mom?”

  “Stop yelling.” Wearing a stained blue nightgown, her hair matted, eyes puffy, the whites yellowed, my mom stumbles down the hall, then plops herself down on the couch, pulling a cigarette out and lighting it. “What do you want?”

  I can tell she’s not drunk, maybe a little high on pain meds, but she’s coherent enough.

  “I came to ask–”

  “If this is about the money again, I told you already it’s gone.

  She’s in one of her mean moods. I can see it in her eyes, the way she purses her lips when she glowers at me.

  “It’s not about the money.” I fidget in the entranceway. It doesn’t matter how old I get, I’ll always feel like a scared ten year old kid around her.

  “What is it then?” she bites out, blowing out a puff of smoke.

  “I…”

  “Spit it out.”

  “I was wondering if you’d heard from Stefano?”

  She flicks the ash from the end of her cigarette into an ashtray and sneers up at me. “Why do you want to know?”

  “I wondered if you’d heard if he’s still locked up?”

  “You trying to cause more trouble for that poor man? I swear, after everything you’ve done…” She pulls an orange plastic bottle from her pajama pocket and pops the white cap, then shakes a couple pills into her hand. She tosses the pills in her mouth, swallowing.

  “I’m not trying to cause anyone trouble.”

  “That’s all you do Mackenzie. Cause trouble. Ever since you were a little girl. You’ve been nothing but a nuisance. Only worrying about yourself. Do you ever think about what it did to me when you left? All that money you owed Stefano. Who did you think had to pay it?”

  “I’m sorry.” I know she didn’t pay a dime, because she didn’t have a dime to spare. But I had no doubt the man had made her pay in other ways.

  “Sorry.” Her top lip curls on the word. “That man is rotting in prison because of you, and all you can say is sorry.”

  I bite my lip to stop myself from arguing with her. I’ve tried many times, but it always ends the same. Her yelling. Me crying. So, I let her believe what she wants.

  “I should go.” It was stupid coming here. I should have known I wouldn’t get anything from her.

  A dry, harsh cackle stops me. “I hear you’re staying with that boy. What’s his name? Theo.”

  My mouth goes dry.

  “He’s done well for himself. I was looking on the internet, says he made three hundred thousand on his last fight. Smart girl, hooking yourself up with him.”

  I glance out the window and see Theo leaning against the hood of his car, arms crossed.

  “He’s just a friend.”

  “Just friends?” Her eyes are hard, calculating. There are times like these when I like her better drunk.

  “Why don’t you bring your friend in and I’ll make us some lunch.”

  “That’s not necessary.” I block the door when she moves towards it. “We have to go.”

  “You never want to stay.” She pouts, her mood changing instantly. “After everything I do for you and you treat me like this.”

  Maybe she’s had more to drink than I originally thought, or the pills are starting to kick in. Her face goes red, eyes fill with tears, and the heavy lines around her mouth deepen when she presses her lips together.

  I know what’s coming. The shaming. And I brace for it.

  “Selfish. That’s what you are. You know, Lillian’s daughter, Julia? She takes care of her mother. Bought her a new car last month.” She sniffs, and looks down her nose at me. “What have you given me, but heartache and pain?”

  “I’m sorry I’ve been such a terrible daughter,” I mutter, opening the door. I need to get out of there before she continues her rant and I say something I shouldn’t.

  “You never tell me I’m a good mother,” she sulks, following me onto the porch. “When you’re a mom you’ll know how much I sacrificed for you. I gave up everything. And look how you repay me.”

  This is one of the reasons I haven’t told her about Logan. There’s also no way in hell I’m letting her anywhere near my daughter.

  Jaw clenched, I give her a stiff hug. “Goodbye Mom.”

  Her fingers wrap around my forearm, sharp nails digging into my flesh.

  I see Theo’s reaction. His shoulders go stiff, and he stands straight. Shit, he’s going to end up coming over.

  “Tell me,” she whines. “Tell me I was a good mom.”

  “You were a good mom.” My voice is hard, clipped, and I can tell she doesn’t believe me.

  “You okay?” Theo asks, now a few feet away.

  “Of course she’s okay.” She doesn’t let go of my arm, instead her nails bite down harder. “I was just inviting you both in for some lunch.”

  “It’s time to go, Mac,” Theo says, eyes narrowed on where her talon grip holds my arm.

  Her cold eyes turn on me. “What did you tell him?”

  “Nothing.” It was the truth. Other than the things Theo has seen himself, I’ve never really told him how bad things could get. But something warns me she isn’t talking about physical and mental abuse I’ve suffered at her hands.

  Theo takes a step onto the porch. “Let her go.”

  “Did you tell him what you did? How much money you owe me?”

  “I don’t owe you anything.”

  “You ungrateful, little
bitch.” Her palm strikes my cheek hard.

  I blink, and Theo is between us. He pushes me behind him. I can’t see his face, but I can hear is heavy breathing and know he’s trying hard to control himself.

  “Don’t. Ever. Touch. Her. Again.” Each word is steel, filled with intent.

  “Who do you think you are?” There’s outrage in my mother’s voice.

  “Theo, let’s go. It’s not worth it.” My face is stinging bloody murder, and I just want to get out of there before it escalades further. Already a few of the neighbors have come out to their porches to watch.

  He wraps his arm around my waist, and pulls me protectively against his chest, leading me down the steps.

  “Mackenzie Rose, get back here.” The shrillness of her voice causes a neighbor’s dog to bark. “I swear to God, come back here now, or you’ll be sorry.”

  Theo stops. I can feel the anger vibrating off him. He turns slowly, eyes on fire.

  “You listen to me.” His tone is even, but the threat is clear. “If you ever go near Mac or your granddaughter again, it’ll be you who’s sorry. Understood?”

  Shit, shit. Shit.

  I see the moment Theo’s words sink in. Her face goes pale, eyes wide, then just as quickly her expression hardens. “You little slut.”

  I feel like the ground has just dropped beneath me, and I’m falling.

  “Get in the car, Mac.”

  My mother’s voice, filled with malice, hollers behind me as Theo practically drags me to the car.

  I don’t think I take a full breath until we’re a couple of blocks away.

  Theo grabs my hand and curses. “Shit, your fingers are like ice.”

  I sit there, unable to move, my mind replaying the scene.

  “She didn’t know?” Theo keeps glancing over at me. “About Logan.”

  “No.”

  “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

  “You didn’t know.” How can I blame him? All he’s ever done is try to protect me.

  We’re both silent the rest of the way back. Despite the late summer heat, my body is shaking uncontrollably by the time we pull into the back parking lot of the gym.

  “I can’t go in. Not yet.” I need to calm down before I see Logan. And I know Clair will have questions that I can’t answer right now.